What u want in a partner Be All the Things You Want In a Partner Be All the Things You Want In a Partner

What u want in a partner
Internet / Dating


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I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
But mama said
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take
Diana Ross and the Supremes, 1966

In the most basic terms, a human relationship is a connection or attachment to another person. For connection to occur, both separate entities have to touch, and be touched, in some way. Interaction isn’t enough; there has to be something real that is born of the interaction. Making something real involves a process of give and take. If both people give, then both receive. When that happens, an attachment is formed. Building and nurturing a relationship requires many such small attachments. Ultimately, all that connectedness serves as the foundation of trust and love.

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 Engaging in a process of take
Sometimes two people are involved with each other, but they’re not really connected. They are not being touched, at least not in the ways that sustain us. They are engaging in a process of take and take, in an effort to gain the upper hand and prevent heartbreak. It’s the relationship equivalent of having a conversation where both people are waiting impatiently for the other to say their piece so that they may jump back in and make what they think is the essential point. They want to be heard and understood. That’s natural and understandable. We have made our own needs the priority over someone else’s, but we’ve lost something as a result. We’re less connected. We didn’t attach. We’re lonely.

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It’s easy to focus on taking what we can from relationships when they feel so temporary. In a hookup, we want to have good sex. That means getting off. Getting the other person off is a bonus, especially because they may talk about the hookup to their friends, but mostly hooking up is about feeling desired, powerful and sexual. It’s about fulfilling our own needs. Sometimes there is a wish to connect as well, and if both parties feel it, a relationship can develop, although that can seem as likely as a phoenix rising from the ashes.

To have a successful relationship, there’s a whole lot of stuff you have to give up: Independence

You need to consider someone else’s feelings when you make choices. No longer being a free agent means that you become responsible for their happiness, at least in part.


You can get kicked to the curb at any time. The person you love may find someone they like better than you. They may get bored. You might not be able to hold on to them.

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 Stop trying to gain an advantage

You’ll be making room for another person. A time-consuming person who wants to share your life, and that means hearing from you and seeing you on a regular basis.

You reveal your vulnerability. You give someone the power to hurt you. You trust them not to.

You stop trying to gain an advantage. You are not concerned with being the least interested party.

Competing for Advantage
You consistently assert your independence, implying a threat to walk away from the relationship if you are opposed.

You never really know how the other person feels, because communication tends to be guarded. You are likely to feel jealous and threatened, and will often strike at the other person to prompt the reassurance that you are still the object of affection.

You are uncomfortable with your own behavior, but find it necessary to constantly defend your actions.

Both parties feel unloved, even when they do, in fact, love each other.

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 The Bottom Line
Many people in relationships today are connected to each other in upsetting and destructive ways. I don’t think that’s what they really want. I don’t think that’s what any of us really want. We seek a connection, but can’t stop strategizing and maneuvering long enough to form an attachment.

Someone has to dive off the cliff. If you are fortunate enough to be swept off your feet by someone who is willing to take the enormous risk of laying it on the line, then you can jump off that cliff holding hands with someone who loves you. But most of us have to take that leap alone. You have to give without thinking of what you’ll get in return. You have to be all the things you want in a partner. True and loyal and unconditionally present. Yeah, you’ll probably get your ass kicked. Several times. You’ll put yourself out there time and again, hoping for something real to hold onto. You’ll make connections, but they won’t develop into attachments. Sometimes you’ll be the only one really giving. Giving of yourself unconditionally is really, really hard. But it’s honest, and it’s real. Our relationships are all we really have in this life that matters.

I’m not suggesting that you give and give to someone who can only take. If you give generously of yourself and your gift is not warmly welcomed, you need to cut your losses. Stop giving to takers. Keep looking for fellow givers.

Live your life with generosity, giving as much of yourself as you can. That is the real way to someone’s heart. And it’s the only way to feed your own.

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Opgericht: 12-10-2022
Gewijzigd: 12-03-2023
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